i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
