I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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