tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
