I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
porn star boner night. come get it.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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