Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
