I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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