I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
