Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
