Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
