that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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