I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
