totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
My ass is underappreciated
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
