All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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