Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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