I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
