I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
