sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
