The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
