My sheets look like a crime scene.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
