this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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