Your face is a jimmy john
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
There r osticjed everywhere
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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