I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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