i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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