I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
