Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
