just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
