Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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