Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize