either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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