Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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