someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
