Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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