the condom got lost in my hair
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
