the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
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