Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
