i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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