The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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