Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
