Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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