dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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