what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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