Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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