Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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