Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize