I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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