Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
