He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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