So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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