i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
