today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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