I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
