One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
