Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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