I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
