I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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