New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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