Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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