I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
