Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
