The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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