85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
