Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
