Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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